A mother is the first person to give us a sense of security. But what if this mother sees the child not as a person, but as a reflection of herself? What if her love depends on how much the child matches her fantasies? This is a narcissistic mother. She can be caring in public and destructive in private. She can smother with her "sacrifice" or coldly ignore. Children of such mothers grow up feeling they are never good enough. But this trauma can be overcome. We tell you how to recognize a narcissistic mother and how to heal.

How to recognize a narcissistic mother

A narcissistic mother does not necessarily scream and hit. Often, she acts more subtly. Signs: she constantly talks about her sacrifices ("I have done so much for you"); she envies her child's success (especially her daughter); she uses the child as a therapist (complaining about her husband, life); she violates boundaries (reading the diary, entering without knocking); she criticizes appearance, career choice, partner; she cannot be happy about the child's achievements without linking it to herself ("this is thanks to my genes"); she belittles the child's feelings ("you are too sensitive", "don't make things up"). A child of such a mother never feels unconditional love — love must be earned, be convenient, talented, obedient.

Types of narcissistic mothers

Psychologists identify several types. The mother-gobbler: she considers the child an extension of herself, does not allow her to separate, controls every step, even in adulthood. The mother-neglector: she is cold, emotionally unavailable, busy with her career or lovers. The child feels unwanted. The "social narcissist": she showcases her child's achievements to get praise for herself. She harshly punishes in case of failure. The "victim" mother: she is constantly ill, suffering, manipulating guilt ("you are sending me to the grave"). All these types cause harm, but in different ways.

Children of narcissistic mothers: what they grow up into

Scenarios are different. The child may become subdued, anxious, a perfectionist ("I must be perfect to be loved"). He may become co-dependent: his whole life searching for approval, tolerating abusive partners. He may become a narcissist himself — repeating the mother's model. He may rebel and isolate himself completely. The common denominator is low self-esteem, trust issues, inability to say "no", chronic guilt. Often, depression, BPD, autoimmune diseases (psychosomatic) develop.

How to overcome the influence of a narcissistic mother in adulthood

The first step is to admit that there is a problem. Do not justify the mother: "She wanted the best for you". The second is to stop expecting love and acceptance from her. You will not get what was not given. The third is to establish distance. This can be a move, reducing communication to a minimum, an "information diet" (not talking about personal life). The fourth is to work with a therapist (better with one specializing in child trauma). Methods: EMDR, schema therapy, CBT. The fifth is to learn to take care of yourself, stop seeking approval.

Self-help techniques

Keeping a diary. Write down moments when you feel guilty, ashamed. Ask yourself: "Is this real guilt or imposed?". Practice "inner parent": imagine you are talking to yourself as a small child. What would you say? "You are not guilty, you are good". The "stop" technique: when the mother starts manipulating, say "stop" in your mind and switch. Affirmations: "I have the right to my life". It is also important to learn to say "no" without excuses.

Forgiveness: is it necessary to forgive a narcissistic mother

Forgiveness is not necessarily. You are not obligated to forgive someone who has not repented. Forgiveness is not for her, but for you to relieve the burden. But many psychologists believe that you need to live through anger first, and forgiveness may come (or not) later. Do not force yourself. It is more important to accept that the mother will not change and stop waiting for her love.

What to do if you feel narcissistic traits towards your own children

You may fear repeating your fate. If you recognize yourself in the description, do not panic. Awareness is already half the cure. Seek help from a therapist. Learn to praise the child without "but" ("you are good, but you could do better"). Listen to his feelings, do not belittle them. Apologize when you make a mistake. Remember: you are not obligated to be an ideal mother, "good enough" is enough.

Real-life examples: how adult children overcome trauma

Marina, 32: "I moved to another city and reduced communication to one call a month. I felt relief. Now I am learning to say 'no' without feeling guilty". Alexey, 45: "I realized that I have been searching for approval from my bosses all my life. After therapy, I resigned and opened my own business. I communicate with my mother, but do not expect praise from her". Elena, 28: "I prohibited my mother from commenting on my appearance. She was upset, but I endured. Now we communicate better — she understood the boundaries".

Overcoming the influence of a narcissistic mother is a marathon, not a sprint. But it is possible. The main thing is to stop waiting for the mother to change and start changing your own life. You deserve love not for anything, but just because you are. And this love you can give yourself.

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