Divorce is always a split. The father moves out, sees his daughter on weekends or less often. The mother tries to get the household in order. It seems everything is settled. But suddenly the girl comes back from school and says, “Dad is bad, I don’t want to go to him.” The mother is shocked. But the reason may not be the father or the mother. The reason is a toxic friend. Ten-year-old girls are very dependent on the opinions of their peers. And if the best friend is against the father, she will quickly infect your daughter with this. This is a hidden but dangerous threat. Let’s dissect it.
Age ten is when a friend’s opinion becomes almost more authoritative than that of parents. The girl wants to be accepted, wants to fit in. If it’s accepted in her school circle to talk about dads with disdain, she will adjust. If the friend says, “My dad is a donkey, he abandoned us,” your daughter will start to look for “donkey” traits in her father. Even if there are none.
The mechanism is simple: the girl tells her friend about her meeting with her dad. The friend comments, “He doesn’t love you, he came without a gift” or “He uses you to upset your mom.” This settles in the girl’s head as the truth. She tries on someone else’s pain. She starts to be ashamed that she has a dad. And she distances herself.
Especially dangerous if the friend has a similar family situation (separate living). She seems to confirm: “That’s how it is for everyone, all dads are donkeys.” The girl feels like she’s part of a tribe only if she agrees. And agreement = hatred for the father.
A toxic friend uses a set of clichés. “He left the family — that means he abandoned you.” “He lives his own life, he doesn’t care.” “He pays alimony because he was forced to, not because he loves.” “Your mom is happier without him.” “All men are donkeys.”
“Why do you go to him on weekends? He doesn’t deserve you.” “He’s not your real dad if he doesn’t live with you.” “My dad also left, and I hate him. Let’s hate together.” “Did he buy you a phone? He wants to buy your love.”
These phrases are driven in like nails. A ten-year-old mind doesn’t filter: “Is this true? Maybe my friend has her own trauma?” No. The girl absorbs and repeats. And soon she starts to think this way herself.
Especially destructive are phrases that the friend says in front of others. Witnesses start to nod, agree. Social pressure is multiplied by multiples. The girl is ashamed to admit that she loves her father.
How to distinguish between a real problem with the father and toxic influence from the side? There are several markers. First: the relationship with the father was warm before, the girl was happy to go to him. A sharp change after starting to be friends with a specific friend.
Second: the girl uses slogans in her speech that are not typical for her age (“abuser”, “toxic”, “manipulator” — words she couldn’t have thought of herself) or repeats phrases from the friend verbatim.
Third: negativity manifests only after school, and the girl behaves normally in the presence of the father. Fourth: the girl cannot cite specific examples of the father’s bad behavior, only general phrases (“he’s bad”, “he doesn’t love me”).
Fifth: the girl demands to stop communicating with the father, but when she meets him, she does not show fear or disgust. Sixth: she compares her father to the father of her friend (“Lenka’s dad is a donkey, and mine is the same”).
If you see these signs, there is a high probability that the attitude towards the father is poisoned not by his actions, but by toxic friendship.
The mother has her own reasons. First: it is beneficial for her that the daughter communicates less with the father. Fewer meetings — fewer arguments. She subconsciously encourages negativity. She doesn’t instigate herself, but she doesn’t prevent the friend either.
Second: the mother doesn’t know what’s happening at school. The girl doesn’t tell her about conversations with the friend — she’s ashamed or afraid that her mother will forbid her to be friends. Third: the mother herself doesn’t love her ex-husband and is happy that the daughter shares her feelings. She doesn’t analyze the source, but enjoys solidarity.
Fourth: the mother doesn’t pay attention to her daughter’s friendship. “What’s the matter, girls are just chatting.” She doesn’t understand how much influence friends have at ten years old. This is a mistake. The influence is colossal.
What to do? Before you are happy that your daughter “finally understands how bad her father is,” stop and ask yourself: “Is it the friend who instilled this?”. An honest answer will help not to destroy the daughter’s relationship with her father.
At first glance, the girl simply stops loving her dad. But the consequences are deeper. She forms a distorted view of men. “Men abandon, men are not needed, men are enemies.” This will affect her future romantic relationships. She will be afraid to get attached, expect betrayal, sabotage closeness.
Second: she learns to manipulate. If the friend said “hate your dad,” she hates. If the friend says “steal money from your mom,” she steals. She loses the ability to think critically, becomes a follower. In adolescence, this can lead to more serious problems: alcohol, early sex, dangerous companies.
Third: she loses her father. A real, living one who loves her. The loss is irreparable. Years later, she may regret it, but it will be too late. The father may have grown tired of fighting, retreated, left for another family.
Fourth: she develops anxiety and a sense of guilt. She rejects her father, but deep down she knows it’s wrong. The internal conflict tears her psyche apart. This is where the caprices, tantrums, psychosomatics come from.
First — don’t be angry with your daughter. She’s not to blame. She’s a victim. Second — don’t pressure her and don’t demand explanations. Try to find out who specifically among the friends is negative. You can ask your daughter discreetly: “What do your friends say about me? Does Masha (name) love her dad? What does she think about divorce?”
If the father communicates with the mother (even minimally), he should share his suspicions. Not in the form of accusations, but in the form of care. “I think a friend with a divorce trauma is influencing your daughter. Let’s think about how to protect her psyche.” If the mother is reasonable — they will unite against the common threat.
The father can offer his daughter alternative communication. Take her to clubs, sections where she will meet other friends who are not toxic. Organize bright, memorable events on weekends to counteract the negativity. And most importantly — don’t stop trying to communicate, even if the daughter pushes you away.
A claim must be filed and sent to the court for the protection of the right to communicate with the child from obstacles on the part of the mother. However, in this case, the obstacles come from third parties, and the mother in turn may not obstruct. A claim for the determination of the order of communication with the child must be filed regardless of whether anyone is obstructing or not.
Teachers often do not interfere in “girl disputes”. In vain. Toxic friendship is just as much bullying, only hidden. The class teacher must know which microgroups exist in the class, who influences whom. If the teacher notices that a girl has suddenly changed her attitude towards her father, he can talk to her or invite a school psychologist.
It’s good if there is a program of social-emotional learning in the school. Children are taught to recognize manipulation, say “no,” critically evaluate information. If such a program doesn’t exist — parents can initiate a class hour on the topic “How not to fall under someone else’s influence.”
If the toxic friend systematically sets the girl against the father, and this is proven (for example, through correspondence), the father can turn to the school principal with a request to take measures. Up to transferring the friend to another class. This is an extreme measure, but sometimes justified.
Parents can help the daughter develop immunity to toxic influence. The exercise “Stop-word”. The girl thinks of a word (for example, “banana”) that means “I feel pressure, stop”. If the friend is pressuring, the girl says “banana” and changes the topic. Train at home.
The exercise “My inner judge”. Every evening the girl writes down three things the friend said and opposite — her own opinion. “The friend said that my dad doesn’t love me. But I think he does, because he calls every day.” This teaches to separate someone else’s opinion from your own.
The exercise “Role play”. The mother plays the toxic friend, and the daughter practices answering: “That’s not true,” “I don’t think so,” “Let’s talk about something else,” “I don’t like when you say that.”
The exercise “Two circles”. Draw two circles. The inner one is the family (mom, dad, grandmother). The outer one is friends. Explain: friends can come and go, but the family remains. Friends’ opinions are important, but they shouldn’t destroy the family.
If the girl has already started to lie to her father, refuse to meet, be rude, accuse him of not loving her — it’s time to act decisively. Try to gently limit communication with the toxic friend. Don’t ban her directly — this will cause a rebellion. But reduce the time they spend together: pick her up from school, take her to clubs, don’t let her go to friends’ houses.
Parallelly — to a psychologist. A family psychologist specializing in children of divorced parents. He will help the girl distinguish between real feelings and imposed ones. Give techniques of confidence.
If the girl resists and doesn’t go to the psychologist — sign up for yourself first. The psychologist will suggest a strategy. Sometimes it takes 2-3 sessions for the girl to understand that the friend is manipulating.
The ultimate case: changing schools. If toxic influence has become total, the friend has power over the whole class, and the girl is isolated — transfer. A new school, a new circle, a clean slate. But this after you have strengthened your daughter’s self-esteem at home, otherwise she will fall under someone else’s influence again.
Lena, 10 years old. The parents have been divorced for two years. They had good relationships with the father: they played football together, went fishing. At the beginning of the school year, Lena became friends with Katerina. Katerina’s father left the family and didn’t pay alimony, she hated him. Katerina quickly “treated” Lena. “Your dad also left, that means he’s the same. Why do you play with him? He’s pretending. He doesn’t love you.” After a month, Lena said to her father: “You’re bad, I don’t want to see you.” The father tried to talk, gave gifts, but Lena didn’t want to get in touch.
The mother was happy at first — fewer arguments with the ex-husband. But then she noticed that the daughter became irritable, started to lie, and her grades got worse. She talked to Lena. She said: “Katerina says all dads are donkeys, and she’s right.” The mother met with the father, they united. They enrolled Lena in horseback riding — there were new friends who didn’t say bad things about the dad. The mother talked to the class teacher, Katerina was transferred. The father didn’t give up, he took Lena to interesting places every weekend. After half a year, Lena said to Katerina: “Don’t say bad things about my dad. He’s good.” The friendship ended, the relationship with the father was restored.
This story has a happy ending. But it doesn’t always happen like that. So don’t wait until the influence becomes irreversible.
A mistake many fathers make is to give up when the daughter says “I don’t want to see you”. Don’t give up. Fight. For your daughter. For her ability to love. A toxic friend will come and go, but the father will be there forever. Even if it seems now that the wall is insurmountable. The bricks of this wall were laid by a foreign girl, whose traumatized daughter. Your task is to dismantle the wall. Brick by brick. Patience, love, and sometimes — through the court.
© elib.pk
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